just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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