I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
