This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
