You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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