based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
