she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
