I accidentally had phone sex last night
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
why do cheetos always look like penises
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
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