just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
