I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
