Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
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