he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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