every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
