I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize