I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
