So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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