i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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