I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
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