had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
