That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
