On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Randomize
