I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
