Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
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the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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