i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Randomize
