my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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