just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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