Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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