I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Did I show you my penis last night?
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
