dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
