Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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