I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
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