I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
