I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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