Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
