I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
