Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
