I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Randomize
