I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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