So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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