Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Randomize
