when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
