i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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