why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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