I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Even my vagina gasped.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Randomize
