I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
