Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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