on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
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When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
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Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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