i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
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