My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
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Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
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May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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