im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
