Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I'd cum for enchiladas.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
