I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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