So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Randomize
