I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
