shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
