Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
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I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
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I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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