apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
