tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
