my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Randomize
