i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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