Moan for me like Helen Keller
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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