That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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